


A Yearning

by Charlynn Schmiedt (ohtheprofanity)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-08
Updated: 2011-05-08
Packaged: 2017-10-19 03:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohtheprofanity/pseuds/Charlynn%20Schmiedt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn Janeway is at a crossroads: Will she continue to embrace her life as it is, or take a risk and pursue what she really wants?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Yearning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Phamy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Phamy).



> DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns 'em, but sometimes I'll sneak them out for a spin around the block.
> 
> NOTE: This is my submission for the 2011 VAMB Secret Drabble challenge. The story takes place toward the end of season seven. Oh, and that C/7 stuff that happened in canon? Doesn't compute in my universe; therefore, it doesn't exist. To the recipient of this challenge: I hope you like it!

"Kathryn?"

She looked up from the coffee, a tear trailing down her cheek and was startled at the sight of the concerned face in front of her.

"B'Elanna!" Kathryn hadn't heard her enter the Ready Room.

"Sorry, Captain, I know it's not like me to address you by your first name while on duty, but you were in quite a trance. Are you all right?"

Making a futile effort at faking it, Kathryn wiped away the tear on her cheek and lied, "Yes, everything is fine. What can I do for you, Lieutenant?"

B'Elanna hesitated. "I was just dropping by the latest status report from Engineering. You wanted to know if the modifications Seven made to the warp engines increased efficiency. They did." She placed the PADD on Kathryn's desk, and then leaned forward. "No, really, what's wrong?"

Kathryn couldn't hide the shame she felt at being caught in the middle of an emotional moment. It wasn't very captain-like to let a stream of tears take over while poring over status reports. Of course, the tears had no relation to the words onscreen, but loss of focus was also not captain-like. She would relieve an officer of duty for the day if she saw them in her state. She collected herself, took in a deep breath and replied, "I'm fine, really," with as much steadiness as she could muster.

B'Elanna knew this routine well. Any time she pulled it on Tom, her body language gave her away, and he eventually pried out what was bothering her. Kathryn was doing the same thing now, albeit with a miserable performance.

"Well, if you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to listen." B'Elanna straightened, and then turned toward the doors.

Kathryn watched as B'Elanna put a hand on her swollen belly just as the doors opened. Now several months pregnant, just about everything took more effort than usual -- even something as simple as standing straight after leaning on a desk. The sight was all too close to what was plaguing Kathryn's mind.

"B'Elanna, did you always know you wanted children?"

Slightly taken aback both by the question and the fact that Kathryn quickly fell for such a simple bait to talk about what was bothering her, B'Elanna turned toward her superior officer and answered the only way she knew how: honestly. "Actually, no, I didn't even consider having children until I started a relationship with Tom. We knew that our likelihood of getting pregnant was small. We agreed that if we did conceive, great, and if not, we could be happy with that, too." She patted her full, round belly. "I guess we lucked out."

B'Elanna assumed she already knew the answer to her next question: "What about you, Captain?"

"This is a personal conversation, B'Elanna. Call me Kathryn." A heavy sigh left the petite woman's chest. "I always thought I would have children. Wanted them, yes, actively made it a priority, no."

She stood from the chair at her desk and gestured to B'Elanna that they sit at the couch. Once there, Kathryn topped off her cup of coffee and immediately took a piping hot sip. "When I was younger, I thought I'd have plenty of time for children. I thought I could establish my career first and then work on a family, just as my father did. When I got engaged to Mark, we agreed that we'd start a family as soon as I was established in command." Kathryn sighed. "And then we got stuck out here. The years have flown by, and it may be decades before we return to the Alpha Quadrant."

The full impact of her words hit, one by one, as she said them. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked back at B'Elanna. "I'm forty-five years old." A pause lingered as Kathryn put together her words. "My annual physical with the Doctor yesterday reminded me that I don't have much time left." In spite of the sobering revelation, Kathryn half-smiled. "I guess you could say that I envy you a little bit right now. You and Tom are the only senior officers that have paired off and successfully balanced duty with your personal lives." Her face returned somber. "You've been a wonderful example to the rest of the crew...me included."

Uncharacteristically quiet, B'Elanna was unsure of how she should respond. As if Kathryn had read the half-Klingon's mind, she continued.

"I've taken the easy way out when it comes to relationships in the Delta Quadrant. Starfleet regulations enabled that quite well," Kathryn said matter-of-factly. "Starfleet has no problem with the captain having friendships with her subordinates, but..." Her voice trailed off, the pain of her forthcoming words really sinking in. "...that hasn't left me much chance for personal happiness beyond that. I think I've made a mistake in this respect, and just how much is hitting me now."

B'Elanna looked Kathryn directly in the eye. If they were going to have a candid conversation about the captain's personal life, they may as well dig into the heart of it. "We're talking about Chakotay, aren't we?"

Kathryn nodded, a smirk on her face giving away a hint of embarrassment at how easily B'Elanna figured things out. "Well, aren't you perceptive."

"Chakotay knows why you made the decisions you have, and he respects that. But the longer we have been out here, you yourself have admitted that Starfleet regulations need a little bending in the Delta Quadrant. I don't see how this situation is any different."

Kathryn nodded. "I've come to the same realization. It's tough admitting it. I've used regulations and duty as the reason why I have pushed him away."

B'Elanna probed for more. "What are you afraid of?"

"Losing him," she admitted softly.

It wasn't the answer B'Elanna expected, but it made sense.

"As the captain of this ship, I face the possibility of ordering him - any of you - to risk your lives in the line of duty and not come back. If I lost Chakotay and was somehow responsible for it, I don't know if I-"

"Cap-...Kathryn," B'Elanna interrupted. "You're talking about a possibility that exists no matter what kind of relationship you have with Chakotay."

Kathryn interrupted back. "Yes, but I don't know if I could live with the type of grief that comes with losing your..." Husband? Lover? Significant other? She didn't finish the thought. "Before Mark, I was engaged to another man, Justin. He and my father both died in a shuttle crash. I was the only survivor. I don't know if I could handle another loss like that."

"I see." B'Elanna understood how the scars of Kathryn's past led to her current thought process; on the other hand, thoughts of what would happen if she lost Tom didn't detract her from falling in love with him. "Is keeping Chakotay at a distance any less painful than what would happen if he did die?"

Kathryn raised her eyebrow in a manner that would have made a Vulcan proud.

"I understand how heartbreaking it would be if you did lose him while in a more intimate relationship than what you have now, but something tells me that you'd be heartbroken no matter what. So would he. And Kathryn..." B'Elanna wasn't sure if she was delving into forbidden territory, but plunged in anyway. "It's no secret how much you two care about each other. The crew-" She almost admitted that the entire crew had talked about this at some point or another. "-we all see the deep bond you have. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'd all be elated if you two got together." She wisely omitted telling her that Tom had been taking bets for years on whether or not Voyager's captain and first officer would start a romantic relationship, and that several crew members would not only be happy for the positive outcome for the couple's sake, but for the payout in the betting pool as well.

B'Elanna leaned closer to Kathryn, as close as her belly would allow. "I'd say that you risk losing more by denying Kathryn Janeway the life she wants just because Captain Janeway is afraid of what might happen."

Kathryn considered the thought. "You're right. A chance at a family and a life outside command are at stake."

B'Elanna nodded. "I think you know the answer to this problem. You just need a nudge in the right direction."

Just then, the door chime rang.

Kathryn placed a grateful hand on B'Elanna's shoulder. "Thanks for nudging me; you've given me a lot to think about." In response to whoever was at the other side of the door, Kathryn ordered, "Come in."

It was Tuvok with a stack of PADDs in hand.

B'Elanna took her cue, nodding to Kathryn and Tuvok on her way out.

"More status reports?" she asked.

"Affirmative," he replied.

The very thought of reading more reports sent a throb of pain through Kathryn's head. "Thank you, I think. Set them on my desk."

Tuvok did so and made an efficient exit, leaving Kathryn to the task of several hours of reading. She stared at the PADDs, then the partially-read report on her desk console. She sat and stared at the screen for a moment and then realized that she hadn't absorbed any information in the last five pages she had allegedly read.

This only confirmed everything she and B'Elanna had talked about. Beyond the exterior of a captain loyal to duty and regulation was a human being who needed more than just that.

She pushed herself away, and then tapped her comm badge.

"Janeway to Chakotay," she said softly.

"Chakotay here," he answered promptly.

"Commander, do you have any plans for dinner?"

"No."

"Good, because you've got a date with me in my quarters at 1800; bring a bottle of your finest Antarian cider." Pause. "Oh, and Chakotay - don't arrive in uniform. This is an off-duty occasion."

She could sense the amusing looks of reaction the bridge crew was giving each other and grinned mischievously. She'd have to ask Chakotay for the details later.

Chakotay, not giving away a reaction over the comm link, maintained a professional demeanor in his voice. "Understood, looking forward to it."

"See you then."

=^=

Two weeks later, Voyager's betting pool exploded when news of Kathryn and Chakotay's romance became public.


End file.
